Reunited And It Feels So Good!

StartFragmentWow, it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. Fell out of it, I guess. On August 30, 2019 my twin brother died suddenly of a heart attack. I guess you could say it’s taken me more than a little to come to any kind of terms with it. I mentioned in an earlier post about him coming out to the family as bisexual (not a surprise to me; I picked up on more of the silent clue than some people might. Also, twin telepathy and all that jazz) and had even been collaborating with him on a post of his own here. I know that his experience was different than mine and I wanted other people to realize the same. It’s crazy how even growing up in the same environment, even being in the same classes for the majority of our schooling years even into college, I think there’s an inherent difference of perspectives, something that he agreed with as well.

Sadly, such a collaboration will never be.

I also took some time I guess to come to a clear reckoning of my asexuality and what it truly was to me. I needed to find out if I had just fallen into the definition and ordered my life around it or if it was something that was truly part of my identity. And let me just say from personal experience that sexuality is so fluid. Even with all the changes that I’ve gone through trying to figure out this part of myself and my recent foray into actual dating, I still feel like I’m continually evolving.

So, the dating. It was pretty much doomed from the start I’d say but I had decided in the beginning that if I was going to do this, I was jumping in with both feet. And so began a nine month escapade. The difference between friendship and something more is defined by most as the progression to physical intimacy that occurs with a couple. A little technological, I know, but it’s true. Before the first kiss, you’re friends. After, depending on the reaction, you’re something more. In a bit of a detour, let me stress the importance of consent in a relationship, whether it’s just starting or a continued one. Just grabbing somebody and kissing them when they’re not expecting it does not a best first impression make. It was through this relationship I realized that full on physical intimacy is not for me. Not sex, never wanted it, never let it get that far.

Instead it was more of the heavy makeout and a few roaming hands that clued me in to the fact that it was a rather one sided desire. I’m all for cuddles, kisses, and maybe even a few makeouts but you start talking about the specifics of the type of intercourse you want, and that after hypothetical marriage you’re going to be expecting it every day, I’m pretty much gone at that point. But like I said, I tried. Multiple dates, multiple people, even trying to force myself to think that this life was for me.

Needless to say, it wasn’t.

It was nonstop STRESS. Migraine inducing, constant nausea, nail biting stress. I’m not the best with stressful situation, never have been, and probably never will be; but all this was another level. I knew what was stressing me out and still I kept putting myself back into the same situation every time. I’m off dating again for a good while but one thing is for certain: full disclosure next time will be an absolute must and I’ve realized that the thought of dating a female doesn’t stress me out nearly as much. I’ve known I was biromantic for more than a good while now and I still hold to that, but it would also seem I lean more towards wanting to date and find romance with females rather than males.

So, in my opinion, the whole experiment was a success. I’m definitely still asexual and still biromantic and really, I think I feel happier in that conclusion now. It’s a happier time for me anyways so that’s all I’m caring about.

Hopefully, I’ll be on a little more as I try to get back to the things I was doing before that August, though maybe not quite as much. It’s a start at least. EndFragment

#asexuality #relationships #romanticorientation