Totally freaking out right now...

So I’m totally freaking out right now… this girl, that I have been seriously squishing over for weeks now, totally thinking that there was no way she would ever feel the same way (or was even anything less than straight) has turned out to be gay.

Number one, the odds of this happening at all are pretty slim, just because of the general social mores of where we live. But second, to be friends with her, squishing on her, in the church college that i’m in is like, a major no no. I mean, how many other queer people are going to randomly find a similar soul in a social anthropology class.

But it’s not really the fact that she’s gay that I’m freaking out over. My saving grace these last few weeks was the assumption that she was straight and so spending so much time with her and thinking about her so much, wasn’t going to hold any ramifications for me. This girl is so important to me. Like, I never wanted this to have the chance to be ruined.

And more than likely, it’s not going to be her fault. Because of where we live, and the religious confines that we are in, I feel like to tell her or to let anything happen, would hamper her aspirations in some way. And this is how bad it’s gotten. I’m nt even concerned for myself. As an asexual, I long ago made peace with the fact that my relationships were going to be drastically different than most people might expect. But to potentially allow her into the very private space that I have created for my identity, sets her up for the potential ridicule of religion and family, me from the same, and the fact that while she does identify as a lesbian, she is unlikely to also identify as asexual.

Like with any other gender, I can’t resolve the fact that I don’t want any type of intimacy. The intense caring and concern for her is really the most that I’ve ever felt.

I don’t know. This whole situation is still going to require more thought. I’ll keep updating. But needless to say, I have a queer friend, who’s a girl, who I am way attached to. I’m still asexual and aromantic, but maybe there’s a little more to life than I had previously thought.

#relationships #asexuality