Squishing hard...

So today, although maybe the last few weeks in general would be more accurate, is actually a pretty terrifying experience.

You see, I identify as aro ace (aromantic asexual) and have since I first learned about the terms. Everything about the whole community finally gave me a place where I felt I was able to belong. This is something that I was not able to feel within my daily life and interactions. And I still feel like both of these terms describe me to a t. But sometimes life has a way turning your ideas and perceptions completely upside down.

So let me get down to the meat of everything. Being aromantic, I don’t feel any romantic attraction attraction to people, regardless of gender. Really and truly, making any type of interpersonal relationship isn’t something that I’ve ever been especially comfortable with. But it’s seeming like at least the interpersonal relationship part is becoming a lot less stringent, which brings with it a whole other host of anxieties and fears.

Right now, however, I am in the midst of a fully blown SQUISH.

Now some people, if they aren’t too deeply involved in the asexual community, might not know what this term means exactly. So for those out there who don’t, and even those who do, a squish is a platonic attraction to a person. Just a desire to be closer to them, though not necessarily in a romantic type of way.

So right now I’m in college and going through the normal things. Except for the fact that I have recently gained a squish on one of the students in a couple of my classes. A girl.

Now being part of such a community, you might not think that this is such a big deal. But it is. Especially when you throw religion, and my family’s extreme anti LGTBQIA+ leanings into the pot. This girl is wonderful. She’s hilarious. I get along with most people, but there aren’t many that I feel that i can connect with. I’m excited every time I’m near her and when she’s not in class and I don’t know why, I’m terribly worried. We laugh together. Basically, I feel better when i’m around her. And none of these are essentially romantic. It’s just like I want to get to know her better. Like the relationship would be more than friends, but not like a girlfriend.

Now I know that this SQUISH isn’t going to be reciprocated or amount to anything. The main gist of it all is that I haven’t ever really experienced this type of attachment before.

I don’t know. Some people might not think this is some huge thing, but I think it is.

I guess it gives me a smidge of insight into how a gay person or lesbian might live. Mainly, just the terror of realising that you feel a lot for a person of your own gender. Just a small bit because I definitely am not claiming to have any real knowledge of all that they go through. But I do feel like I have some measure more of understanding than I did.

Hopefully, I'll soon be able to make heads or tails of this because right now, this is a roller coaster. And I don't want to get off.

#relationships #asexuality