To be or not to be...

Okay, confession time. I am slightly against close friendships of any kind, whether they be strictly platonic or otherwise. I haven’t ever really had to realize this very clearly until recently, or more specifically, currently.

I’ve been alone for several years. Add in the fact that I have lived in several places and even separate states and it makes finding friends that one might want to keep difficult. Other than family and friends of my entire family, I haven’t had a close relationship that lasted over a month in a VERY long time. Being 23, that makes it that I have had very few close relationships in my entire life, like count them on the fingers of one hand and still have some left over. It’s just easier for me as a person to not have to take someone else’s feeling into consideration all the time.

Currently I’m dealing with a situation that it entirely my own doing. I have a friend, and they’re a really good person. Like almost too good. They’re one of those people that hold everyone else on a higher plane, as if they can do no wrong. Which for me if completely crazy. Being a severely closeted aromantic asexual, it makes my place on this pedestal entirely uncomfortable. Add in the fact that I am clearly not as invested in this friendship as they so clearly are and you nearly have a recipe for disaster. The only thing that really keeping this from falling apart is the fact that I don’t like embarrassing anybody and they’ve told most of the people that we jointly know about our association.

I don’t like texting. I don’t like scheduling phone calls and video chats. I don’t like having to repeated skate around the hints that he might want something more than friendship. I mean, could you imagine?? But I definitely don’t want to smash this dude’s heart because of my issues. I keep waiting for him to finally find somebody else, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen since he’s talking to me. Whenever anybody tries to set him up with somebody, he pushes it aside, saying that “he’s talking to somebody and is therefore not looking.” I just don’t want to be the cause of unhappiness. And it’s not like I lead anything on. I clearly have stated from the beginning, even multiple times since the beginning that I’m not interested in dating anybody.

I’m comfortable with loneliness. But apparently he isn’t. I just don’t know what to do. I’m a little annoyed at being someone’s constant shoulder. He needs somebody but I just don’t think that that person should be me.

#asexuality #friendship