A bit of forum stalking

So today I felt like looking for a little bit of understanding from the religion that I have followed for quite a few years, and given the fact that I do not adhere to the norm of heterosexual/hypersexual it would seem that according to these people I am doomed to a life of unhappiness. And this is coming from the people who espouse sweet musing of inclusion and heaven to everybody that walks by.

Now, this being said, I myself was a missionary for 18 months and I knew that marriage was not for me even then, so I never really pushed the idea of marriage onto anybody else. This caused some friction between my companion and me. By the way, if you’re familiar with the Mormon faith, a missionary companion is just somebody who is working with you toward a common goal. Apparently, my reticence to talk about the person I would marry, the wedding and children I would have, were worrying to some. But that’s neither here nor there at this time.

Back to the present topic, I was googling things on the internet, mainly on if there were any Mormon asexuals like me. And I found a topic on an LDS forum of just that question by another person. To this question I expected many people to come out of the woodwork to support this person, and therefore people like me, but they did not.

From here, I have the original question and then the answers with my commentary.

Original post: Do you think there are a lot of aromantic asexuals in the church?

For those of you who don't know what that means, it means a person who has no romantic nor sexual feelings or desires for anybody. I am one, and oftentimes I feel shamed in the church because I plan on remaining single and childless my whole life. I can't help that I have no desire for the marriage/kids lifestyle. Even if I DID want to be married, it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't like children, and find sex to be nasty and uninteresting. True, I've never tried it, but I don't need to to know that I don't care about it.

Just wondering if there are others like me out there. I'd like to feel like I'm not some total freak after all.

Btw, I'm a girl, age 19.

My Commentary: Now, this girl not only knows what both aromantic and asexual means, but also has the experience that many in the same boat experience as well. I, myself, plan on not getting married because of the sex that for some reason people think must be involved in the marriage. By 19, she’s allowed to have had the time and experience to create her identity and orientation. Some will come to this conclusion earlier, some later. It all depends on the individual.

Marktheshark: I don't think asexual means what you think it means. At 19 years old, this isn't the most uncommon thought or feeling. I had zero interest in dating for years at a time. I married just last year at 27.

No sexual desire for any particular person is also not that weird. Having zero sexual feelings period isn't particularly normal though. Your hormones should be regular, and sexual arousal should be experienced periodically regardless of whether you find yourself attracted to any specific person.

Also, sex is not weird or gross in the right context.

Don't "plan" on staying single and childless your while life. Your opinions and feelings on this subject will change. You're 19, the majority of 19 year olds are not dying to have babies or be married at the moment. You'll mature much more on this matter over the next 5 years.

My Commentary: Yes, she does know what asexual means. And an interest in dating is completely different from being asexual. Some asexual people date and some don’t. Just because she has no desires for sex does not mean she is not “normal.”

Also, who has the right to say that sex even has a context? If someone has no interest in it and doesn’t want to take part in it, who is to say that that is wrong and they’re taking it in the wrong context?

Who knows? Maybe she will change her stance on marriage and babies, but don’t tell her that she will. I’m 23 and still an asexual. 5 years from 19 doesn’t make a hell of a lot of difference.

Jbalm: Heck, consider it a blessing. You'll be able to accomplish a lot without having to worry about all the sex stuff.

My Commentary: Yes, because sex is the reason why things don’t get accomplished in the world. As if agonizing over the fact that we are different and misunderstood doesn’t take any time at all.

The ward heretic: It's common in a religious pressure cooker to find sex icky or not worthwhile. Some people think it's a badge of honor or somehow a sign of sophistication. It's not.

Of course not wanting sex goes against nature; and if you believe in God’s plan.

Sooooo yeah, it's odd, but no big deal. God will love you all the same. We all have odd things about us that the lord overlooks.

Ps. From my experience sex is freakin awesome. You should give it a try when the timing and person is right.

My Commentary: I believe in God’s plan too. That doesn’t change what I do (or don’t) feel. The Bible (or any other canonized scripture for that matter) has never mentioned God overlooking the lack of a person’s sex life and to suggest that is completely unauthorized.

Asexuality does not change based on a person’s experience with sex. I’m not a virgin but I also don’t feel like sex is anything I ever want to experience again.

Kgrigio: I hope that you when you say you find sex nasty you are meaning from a germ, being grossed out standpoint and not from a "sex is dirty, sinful" standpoint. If the later, then unfortunately you have not been taught correct principles. Unfortunately this is far too common a problem in the church, teaching that sex is dirty, sinful, and shouldn't be thought about or discussed when in fact that is wrong and contrary to God's plan. Sex outside of marriage is wrong, yes, but the sex in and of itself is far from wrong.

If your standpoint on sex is from a germ standpoint, then there is a whole lot more in life that you will encounter that is dirtier and will expose you to germs than sex.

Good luck and give yourself some time.

My Commentary: Asexuality is not about fear of germs from sex. Maybe it’s a reason for some people but I don’t know anyone that it’s specifically an issue for. She never said that it was “wrong” but if some thought is had on the subject wouldn’t you find something gross and uninteresting if you had no desire for it? It’s nasty more than likely because of the fact that no desires exist. Why should anyone have to pretend?

Now, for a couple of good ones. I won't use commentary on these.

Phoenixstar117: I have a friend who is asexual, so it's not a new concept for me to hear. I find it extremely puzzling because I have normal sexual drives or urges. I can't judge how you feel about it for that reason.

Sirocco: While I am not asexual I may be aromantic, I donno, i've not given much thought to it, but at 26 I've very seldom dated and when I did i hated every second of it. I don't really like anyone, everyone it seems I just tolerate to varing degrees.

I had every intention to get baptized, but found out what all I would have to do and what people would expect of me, and due to my rather reclusive nature, I decided ultimately against that. I feel the same as you in many ways, I have zero desire to be a husband and father, the idea is abhorrant.

You may change your outlook on romance, you might not, I felt the same at 19 as I do now. Not everyone has the "right person" for them out there.

To me, experience with people who are asexual is key to having an informed opinion. Through my own research on asexuality and experiencing the “out of the norm” process that many in the LGTB community do I have a newfound understanding and respect for those who actively break the norms.

I’m not saying that a religion (any religion) should change it principles, but a level of understanding would be nice.

#mormonism #asexuality